synopsis
I’m drowning in the numbness. It’s pulling me under and I can’t see the surface. It’s easier to pretend I can’t feel. And the longer you pretend, the easier it is to believe. But he wants to save me. Only he can’t. I have to save myself…and I don’t know if I want to.
Rowan Sinclair’s life has been anything but easy. With an alcoholic mother and a sleazy stepfather, it’s been her responsibility to raise her younger siblings. At twenty-one she’s chained to a life she doesn’t want, but sees no other alternative. After all, what would happen to her brother and sister if she were to leave?
Trenton Wentworth sees the pain behind Rowan’s eyes. He wants nothing more than to make it disappear. To hold her. To love her. Except Rowan keeps everyone at a safe distance. But if there’s anyone that can break down the walls she’s built around herself, it’s Trent. So she avoids him at all costs. But Trent isn’t one to be easily evaded. He’s stubborn and determined. He’ll save this girl even if it costs him everything.
Love, lies, and deception.
That’s the name of the game when you’re Tempting Rowan
prologue
I stared at the reflection in the mirror, not recognizing the girl I saw. The fancy dress, the shoes, the hair, none of it’s me. But take that away and I still don’t recognize myself.
Who am I?
I don’t know. And if I don’t know, then no one does.
I glared at the girl in the mirror, hating her. The hate consumes me and I watched as my fist flew out, connecting with the glass. It shattered around me, crumbling to the ground just like my life.
Pain radiates from my hand up my arm. I look down and all I see is blood and all I feel is pain. For a moment I’m reminded that I’m alive and I welcome the pain. But it’s not enough. It won’t be long until the numbness consumes me, swallowing me whole.
It’s all I know.
It’s all I am.
A shell.
A ghost.
I don’t exist.
I used to be okay with that but I don’t know if I am anymore and that’s what scares me the most.
chapter one
“Hey,” my best friend Tatum poked my side. “Hey,” she hissed a little bit louder. When I still ignored her, she exclaimed, “HEY!”
“Shhhh!” Hushed a guy with his nose buried in a textbook.
“What?” I glared at her, mad that she was disturbing the peace in the library. I mean, honestly, I thought she could at least respect the quietness of a library. Obviously not.
“Over there,” she nodded her head at something over my shoulder, “is Trenton Wentworth, and his eyes are all over you,” she whispered, smiling excitedly.
“What?” This time I gasped the word. “No.” Her words had poured a bucket of ice-cold water on me. It was like I couldn’t escape the guy. No matter where I hid, he always popped up.
I refused to turn and look but I felt his eyes boring into my back. Those blue eyes had once twisted my stomach into knots and with one bat of his lashes I would’ve come running. Even girls like me weren’t immune to the charms of a guy like Trent.
“I have to go,” I stood hastily, grabbing my books, and pushing my glasses further up my nose. I didn’t care if I had two more hours worth of studying to do and would never be able to finish it at home. My desperation to get away from Trent was more powerful than my need to study…and that was saying something.
I stumbled around the chair and Tatum watched me with a dumbfounded expression. The chair I bumped into crashed to the floor. “Sorry,” I mumbled, not bothering to stop and pick it up.
I had never told anyone about that night.
The night I gave into my desires.
The night I let Trent take a piece of me.
The night I ran from him.
I bumbled towards the exit and in my haste one of my books slid from my arms and landed on the floor. I was tempted to leave it, glaring at the treacherous book, but a tan arm was already snaking out and picking it up. The person placed it back on the stack in my arms and I swallowed thickly, refusing to look up. But I felt his stare and I knew it was Trent standing before me. Slowly, I looked up and my hazel eyes connected with his. Looking at him was like taking a punch to the gut—leaving me breathless with a pain I couldn’t understand.
“Row,” he beamed, and the way he said my name made me squirm…and not in bad way. But oh how I wished I didn’t enjoy hearing my name leave his kissable lips.
I tucked a piece of light brown hair behind my ear. “Trenton,” I stared at his shoes. They were black motorcycle boots with heavy silver buckles. I wondered if they were real motorcycle boots or just designer ones.
“My face is up here,” he said in that deep husky voice with a slight chuckle.
I forced my head up and met his eyes. His dark hair was longer on top and shorter on the sides. His chin was dotted in a light dusting of stubble like he’d forgotten to shave this morning. Beneath his leather jacket he wore a navy t-shirt and his jeans looked well worn, even though I knew he could afford new ones.
“What are you doing here?” I stuttered, looking around for a means of escape. I needed to get away from him before I did something stupid…like give into the temptation of Trenton.
Brilliant question, Rowan. I scolded myself when I realized what I’d asked him. Sometimes, words just seemed to fly from my mouth without me thinking through what I was about to say. I really needed to work on that.
He chuckled, licking his lips. “It’s a library. There’s usually only one reason to be here.”
“Usually?” I questioned with a raised brow. What other reason would one have for coming to the library?
His smile widened. “Well,” he leaned towards me, his lips grazing the shell of my ear, “if you’re really quiet you can always have sex.” He pulled back, laughing at my wide-eyed expression. “I always did have a naughty librarian fantasy.” He looked me up and down and a blush stained my cheeks in what I was sure was an unflattering shade of red. My hair was pulled back, my tortoise shell glasses perched on the end of my nose since my contacts had been bothering me today, and I was wearing a pencil skirt and button down top. It might not have been naughty, but I was dressed like a librarian since I worked here after classes and then studied before going home.
“I really need to go,” I explained, realizing that I was still standing in front of him like an idiot. I tried to push past him, but he ceased my efforts with a hand on my arm. His sweatshirt was rolled up, displaying the tattoos that covered his one arm. Tattoos I had been very intimately acquainted with, once upon a time. I wondered if he even remembered.
“How could I forget?” He asked.
Oh, no. Had I said that out loud?
“You didn’t have to,” he answered my unspoken question. “I could see it in your eyes that you were thinking about that night.”
I swallowed, my heart beating a mile a minute.
“You were the one that left, Rowan,” his voice held a tone of irritation. “You never gave me a chance to prove myself to you.” His thumb rubbed circles on my arm, still refusing to let me go, and it was like he thought I was an animal he could calm with a soft touch.
“You didn’t have to,” I yanked my arm from his grasp and glared at him. “I know what guys like you want from a girl like me. You got it, okay? There’s no need to keep up the farce of a good guy.”
He stared at me with a look of shock. His mouth opened and closed, gaping like a fish. He was at a loss for words and Trenton wasn’t the kind of guy to be left speechless.
I took this opportunity for what it was, and all but ran out the doors of the library. I had to get away from him. If I stood there a second longer I wouldn’t be able to resist him. From the moment I first laid eyes on Trent, when I moved to Winchester my freshman year of high school, I’d been under his spell.
“Row!” He called after me, but I kept walking like I hadn’t heard him. “You’re the one acting like a player! So, what?! I was good enough to fuck once but I’m not good enough to give a chance?!” Those words hit me like a slap in the face. Not because they were true, but because they were so very wrong. Trent didn’t know the real me. No one did. If he found out about me, he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I knew that, so I was only trying to spare him. It had been almost seven years since we lost our virginity to each other on a school camping trip. I’d have thought by now he would’ve forgotten about me, but Trent wasn’t like most guys. He actually cared. He was real. And he was perfect. I didn’t deserve him, frankly no one did. But for some reason, he thought I was someone worth caring about. But if he knew who I really was, what I lived with, he’d run as far away from me as his feet would take him.
I reached the sidewalk and turned to see him standing on the steps staring at me.
“Answer me,” his voice was raised, but not angry. He sounded hurt and that broke my heart, because I was the one causing him pain. If he’d leave me alone, he wouldn’t have to feel that way. But Trent wasn’t the type of guy to give up. Whenever we ran into each other it was like…he still cared about me, and I couldn’t understand it. I ran away from him after we had sex and ignored him through the rest of high school. On the rare occasions when I was forced to interact with him, I was less than friendly. He needed to stay away. I couldn’t afford to let him get close.
“Girls like me, don’t end up with guys like you,” I told him and he flinched like I had slapped him.
“Guys like me, huh?” His jaw flexed. “Funny,” he descended the remaining few steps and stood in front of me. He stared at me for a moment, anger and sadness stormed in his eyes. “Because somehow, in this situation,” he pointed to him and then me, “it seems like I’m the one that got used. Not you.”
I glanced down at the gum-covered sidewalk. It was much easier to look at it than Trent’s hurt face. I never meant to hurt Trent, but that’s what I was doing. I wanted to keep him safe from the cruel world that I called home. He didn’t deserve to have his view of life tainted.
“I wanted one night. That was it. And I didn’t mean that the way you took it,” I explained with a defeated sigh.
He grabbed my chin and forced my gaze to his.
“Then explain what you meant!” His intense blue eyes held me captive. I swallowed thickly, overwhelmed by his demand.
I swallowed. “Look at you!” My voice rose as my anger increased and tears threatened to leak from eyes. “You’re—ugh—perfect and I’m—” I pointed to my librarian-esque clothes, mousy hair, and glasses, “nobody.”
His jaw clenched as he glared at me. “You’re nobody? For someone that’s so smart, you’re incredibly stupid,” he spat, shoving his fists into his jean pockets. “Whatever,” he shrugged, turning and walking away. He shook his head back and forth, muttering under his breath. I knew he was pissed and a part of me wanted to run after him and tell him everything so he’d understand why we couldn’t be together.
Instead, I watched him leave, just like I always did. I watched until he turned the corner and let out a deep breath I’d been holding in. He was gone…for now. But I’d known Trent long enough to know that he wasn’t finished with me. He’d pop up again, and based on this conversation, I’d say sooner rather than later.
A moment later the library doors opened and Tatum came running down the steps with my backpack clenched in her hands. I’d completely forgotten about it.
She stopped, looking quickly left and right for me. When she spotted me, she jogged my way and handed me my backpack.
“Where’s Trenton?” She looked behind me, like maybe he was hiding there.
“He left,” I stared at the last spot I saw him. A motorcycle roared to life somewhere, the only sound in the otherwise quiet town.
“Did he just leave…peacefully? Or did you make him leave?”
I rolled my eyes. “You make me sound like a bitch.”
“When you get around Trent, you sure act like one. Why do you hate him so much?” She questioned, running her fingers through her blonde hair.
“I don’t hate him,” I whispered, watching the little clouds my breath made in the cool air. I wished I hated him. It would make things so much easier.
“Really?” She tilted her head, pushing her blonde hair out of her eyes. “Because you sure act like it. I would kill to have Trenton look at me like he does you.”
I shrugged, avoiding her eyes. “He doesn’t look at me in any particular way.”
She snorted. “Are you fucking blind? He looks at you like he wants to lick every crevice of your body.”
My eyes widened. “That’s…” I had no words.
She took a step back. “I love you, Rowan. I really do. But sometimes I feel like I don’t really know you at all. You’re so strange sometimes.”
Her words didn’t hurt my feelings. No one knew the real me…not even myself. If I were an outsider observing myself, I’d think I was strange too.
“My mom’s going to be here in a few minutes to pick me up,” she backed away further. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I waved weakly, watching as she disappeared inside the doors of the library.
I adjusted my books so I could sling the backpack onto my shoulders and headed to my car.
Normally, after I finished working at the library I stayed past closing time to study. They knew me and didn’t mind me using it, but Trent had messed with my plans. This also meant, I hadn’t had a chance to change out of my work clothes. I always brought a change of clothes with me so I’d be more comfortable on the drive home…because once I got there my work wasn’t done. I knew my mom wouldn’t have done anything for my siblings. Everything always fell on me. I was like Cinderella, only Prince Charming was never going to put a glass slipper on my foot and take me away to his castle.
I unlocked the door to the old silver Honda Civic. It was a piece of crap, but it ran and so that was good enough for me.
I tossed my bag and books into the back and slid into the driver’s seat. I sat there for a moment, counting my breaths and heartbeats. It calmed me for some reason.
I put my hands on the steering wheel but I didn’t pull away.
I didn’t want to go home…I never did. But that didn’t stop me from doing it anyway. Maybe I could have left…gone away…had a different life. But I couldn’t. I was chained to that house and I life I didn’t want.
I was trapped and I was slowly being suffocated by all of it.
Sooner or later everything would catch up with me and I’d willingly let it consume me.
vvv
“Hi, mom,” I said when I walked into the house. I closed and locked the door behind me.
I turned, glaring at her passed out form. Every single day of my life, it was the same routine. I was always talking to the equivalent of a corpse. She was here in body, and that was it. Even when she was awake, she was drunk.
“Row! Row!” I dropped my bags down as my little siblings came running at me.
“Hey,” I opened my arms wide, hugging them tightly. They were the only two things in this world that kept me going. “How was school?” I asked them, smoothing my fingers through Ivy’s light brown hair and then ruffling Jack’s.
“It was okay,” Ivy’s pale pink lips turned down in a frown.
“I got a gold star,” Jack pointed proudly to the sticker adorning his chest.
“Awesome!” I gave him a high five. “What did you do to get that?” I tickled his stomach lightly, making him giggle.
“I got an A on my spelling test!”
“Well, Jack,” I hugged him again, inhaling the scent of his shampoo, “you’re the smartest first grader I know.”
“Have you guys eaten?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
They shook their heads no and I sighed in disgust. Why my mom kept popping out kids was beyond me. If she didn’t have me…I feared what would happen to Ivy and Jack.
“Come on then,” I stood taking each of their hands. “I’ll make us dinner. You guys can help me.”
“I like helping,” Jack beamed up at me. His smile always managed to break my heart. How could any mother of such a sweet kid completely ignore him.
“I know you do,” I lifted him onto the counter and then did the same with Ivy. She was only two years older than Jack, and getting a bit too big for me to be lifting her, but I didn’t mind. Most days, I felt more like their mother than their sister. I fed them. I bathed them. I packed their lunches. I looked after them. I loved them. It was more than my mom had ever done for them or me.
There wasn’t much food in the house so our options for dinner were limited.
“How’s macaroni sound?” I pulled out a box of Spongebob shaped noodles and shook the box.
“Yay!” They cheered. I was lucky that they were such easy to please kids.
I put water on to boil and crossed my arms over my chest as I leaned against the counter. “Who’s going to pour the macaroni into the pot?” I asked.
Jack enthusiastically raised his hand.
“It’s Jack’s turn,” Ivy agreed with a sad shake of her head. “I did it last time.”
“That’s nice of you, Ivy,” I smiled at the little girl. You can stir the cheese in. Would you like that?”
She brightened, smiling widely. Both her front teeth were missing, making her adorably awkward looking. “I’m a good stirrer.”
“Yes, you are,” I leaned over, kissing the top of her head.
“Row! Row! The water!” Jack pointed enthusiastically at the water beginning to boil.
I opened the box of macaroni and removed the packet of powdered cheese. I handed him the box and lifted him onto my hip so he could pour the noodles into the water.
He watched in fascination as the bubbles hid the noodles from sight.
“How long till it’s ready? I’m hungry,” he pouted as I sat him back on the counter.
“Not long,” I assured him. “We’ll eat and then I’ll give you a bath and you can take a shower, Ivy.”
“I don’t want to,” Jack groaned. “Baths suck.”
“You don’t want to be dirty, do you?” I tweaked his nose.
“I’d rather be dirty than wet,” he grumbled, crossing his small arms over his chest. His shirt rode up, exposing his stomach.
“Stop whining, Jack. You know it doesn’t work with me,” I warned him with a steely gaze.
His arms lowered and he let out a pent up breath. “Fine. Will you read me a story tonight?”
“Don’t I read you a story every night?” I countered with a raised brow.
“Yeah, but sometimes you fall asleep,” he giggled.
“Sorry about that,” I hung my head shamefully. I tried my best to be a parent for my siblings, but it was hard. I had school and work. When I got home it was late and I was exhausted. I wished I could afford for a babysitter to watch them, but I didn’t have the money…not if I wanted to buy food. My stepfather was just as bad, if not worse than my mom. He didn’t drink, but he constantly smoked in the house, had a lousy job, and was just plain creepy.
“It’s okay, Row,” Jack opened his arms for a hug.
I held him close. It amazed me, that two kids that had nothing, could be as sweet as Jack and Ivy.
I let him go and stirred the macaroni. When it was done, I strained it and put it in a bowl. I dumped the ingredients in the bowl and handed Ivy a spoon. “Stir, sweetie.”
She mixed it as thoroughly as she could, but in the end I had to help her.
“Ivy, why don’t you get the plates?” I nodded my head at the cabinet that housed them.
“Sure,” she smiled, eager to please me.
She grabbed three plates, hopped off the counter, and scurried over to the card table that served as our only eating surface.
I helped Jack down and carried the pot over to the table where I loaded our plates with macaroni.
“Wash your hands before you eat,” I warned them.
With heads bowed, they did as I said. I cleaned the pot and washed my hands before joining them at the table.
“It’s good, Row,” Jack smiled at me with trusting eyes. It broke my heart every time I saw that looks in his eyes. He and Ivy trusted me completely…to love them…to protect them…but how could I ever do those things when I wasn’t a whole person? I was shattered…broken…unimportant.
“Thanks, Jack,” I ruffled his hair, hoping the innocent little boy couldn’t see the darkness inside me.
“You’re the best sister,” he leaned into my touch, like a dog begging to be petted.
“Hardly,” I laughed.
They helped me wash the dishes and then it was time to give Jack his bath. After a lot of grumbling I finally got him into the warm water. I really wished I’d had time to change my clothes. Giving Jack a bath in a pencil skirt wasn’t practical. Damn Trenton Wentworth.
I let Jack splash around for a few minutes before I washed and shampooed his hair.
“Pull the drain plug,” I pointed to the stopper. He pulled it and the water began to whoosh out.
He stood and I helped him out. I wrapped a towel around his small frame, drying his body, and then his hair so it stuck up around his head like a bird’s feathers.
I led him down the hall to the room he shared with Ivy.
Ivy was inclined on her bed, playing with her dolls. “Shower, Ivy.”
“I wanna play,” she whined.
“Ivy. Shower. Now.” I snapped. “I’m tired and I don’t have the energy to argue with you.”
“Fine,” she slipped out of the bed, grabbing pajamas to take with her to the bathroom.
“Hurry back and I’ll read you both a story,” I said in a softer tone. I hated snapping at the kids, knowing they got enough of that from our mom and stepdad.
“Okay,” I heard her say as the bathroom door closed.
I grabbed the lotion and rubbed it into Jack’s body. “Which pajamas do you want to wear?”
“The cars!”
I shook my head. I should’ve known.
I pulled out the pajamas with flaming cars on them. “Lift your arms,” I instructed.
Once he was in his pajamas, he climbed into his bed.
“Which story do you want to tonight? It’s your turn to pick,” I rubbed my eyes.
“Um…” He thought, placing a small finger against his lips. “The Lion King!”
I grabbed the Disney book and climbed into his bed, leaving room for Ivy on my other side.
She came into the room a few minutes later.
“Ivy,” I groaned at the wet stringy pieces of hair framing her face. “You didn’t brush your hair!”
“But it hurts!” She argued.
I sighed, slipping out of the bed even though it felt so good to rest my tired body. I grabbed the detangler and a comb from the bathroom.
Sitting down on the floor of the bedroom, I motioned with my hand for Ivy to sit in front of me.
After a moment of hesitation, she reluctantly took the spot.
“You have to brush your hair or it will only get more knotted,” I told her, spraying the damp hair with the detangling solution. “I hate brushing my hair too,” I worked the comb through the ends.
“You do?” She sounded surprised. “But your hair is so pretty and long, Row.”
“I like it long,” I shrugged, trying not to pull her hair, “but brushing it is a pain.”
“Ow!” She grabbed her head when I brushed through a knotted strand.
“Sorry,” I told her, kissing the spot in apology. “Better now?”
“A little.”
“There,” I patted her back when I was done. “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“No,” she admitted reluctantly.
I returned the comb and detangler to their spots in the bathroom, before climbing back into the bed to read their story.
When I finished reading the story, Jack looked up at me with wide eyes and Ivy snuggled closer to my side.
“Row,” Jack started, “I wish you were my mommy.”
His words turned my stomach inside out. Both he and Ivy deserved better than our deadbeat mom, but they also deserved more than me.
“Why?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Because,” he shrugged his small shoulders, “you do everything for me.”
Even at six years old Jack was aware that our mother did nothing. It broke my heart that he and Ivy had to grow up with this. But I had too. And I didn’t have anyone to look after me. That’s why I did what I could for them.
“I love you, Jack,” I kissed his forehead. “Love you, Ivy,” I kissed hers as well. “Goodnight.”
“Night, Row,” Ivy scurried over to her bed on the other side of the room.
I hugged Jack before I slipped out of the bed. I hugged Ivy too and closed their bedroom door behind me.
I leaned my head against the closed door. I was so exhausted but I needed to shower and I had homework to finish since I hadn’t finished it at the library. Trent had ruined my whole evening. Why couldn’t he leave me alone?
Choosing not to waste my energy dwelling on it, I pushed myself forward and into my room. It wasn’t much of a room to be honest. It was more like a closet. My full size bed took up most of the space and the closet door was always open because it was impossible to close it. The walls were painted a bright aqua blue and the bedspread was gray. It was nothing special, but it was mine and that’s what mattered to me. I grabbed a pair of loose sweatpants and a sleep shirt.
I showered as quickly as I could, but took more time than I meant to because the hot water felt so good on my tense muscles. I never seemed to relax.
Before I headed into my room for the night, I checked on my mom. She was still passed out on the couch. I hated her but I loved her at the same time. She was my mom, and nothing could change that. I watched her for a few minutes, noticing the steady rise and fall of her chest. I wondered how someone that drank so much was able to breathe like a normal person. It seemed like her breaths should falter or something. I wanted to yell and scream at her to get off her lazy ass and be a mom. But I knew that was pointless. I’d yelled and screamed at her more times than I could count and it never did any good. It usually resulted in me getting slapped in the face.
With a scowl, I pushed myself away from the wall.
I closed my bedroom door, locking it behind me.
I slipped beneath the covers, glaring at the textbook laying on the bed.
I wanted to put off my homework till tomorrow, but it would only bug me and result in even more lost sleep.
I pulled the textbook onto my lap and began to read the assigned pages.
Thirty minutes later, when I finished reading, I had to write a short essay to summarize what I’d read. Honestly, you’d think professors would have better things to do than grade stupid papers like this.
We were supposed to type this, but I didn’t have a computer, so I had to hand write it. I always did my typed assignments at the library before I went home. Hopefully I’d have time to type this up tomorrow, but tomorrow also meant even more homework. It was a vicious cycle.
Once the short paper was written, I tucked it into the pages of the book and dropped the book beside my bed on the thin strip of floor that served as my walking space in my room.
I reached over and turned the light off, bathing the room in darkness.
I lay in bed, unable to go awake even though I was exhausted.
I heard the front door slam closed and jumped.
My stepdad, Jim, was home.
I hated Jim with every fiber of my being.
I listened to his heavy footsteps echo through the small house. When they started down the hall, I squished my eyes closed for a moment.
Turning on my side, I forced them open, staring at the darkened shadow stopped outside my door.
I held my breath, counting to ten in my head.
Jim smacked me around some, but nothing too bad. What I couldn’t handle was when his eyes roamed up and down my body like I was piece of meat he wanted to devour. Even worse than that, was when he touched me. Sometimes, when I was wearing a skirt, if I passed by him while he was sitting his hand would skim under the fabric and up my thigh. Other times his fingers would graze my butt or my breasts. He liked to play with my hair too. I’d thought about cutting it more than once, but my hair was the only thing I liked about myself and I refused to let him take that piece of me.
I held my breath, waiting for him to leave. When he finally did I was red in the face and black spots floated across my eyes.
I wondered how much longer he’d be satisfied with simple touches and standing outside my door.
I rolled onto my side, away from the door, and squished my eyes closed.
Behind my lids, Trent’s image filled my mind. I couldn’t escape him no matter how hard I tried. He was always there.
Pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes I let out a groan. Why couldn’t he leave me alone? Didn’t he see that I was no good for him? I would never be able to love him when I couldn’t even love myself.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20181492-tempting-rowan
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